


You Tried

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, mild weight gain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-27
Updated: 2013-05-17
Packaged: 2017-12-09 15:27:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/775789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From the homestuck kink meme -> http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/39716.html?replyto=43511844</p><p>Basically, Rose was able to give up alcohol, but she gained weight, and at first she hates it and wants to get rid of it, and with Kanaya's help they manage to do the exact opposite, but Rose learns to love herself. And Kanaya loves Rose whatever size she is, but she thinks it's really cool that she has more of her woman to love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been through a major writer's block and I've just switched my main fandom so I'm not sure about the voices OTL.

“I’m really glad you’re off booze, sis. I was getting really worried. Scared I’d have to team up with Kanaya and intervene your ass.”

You see your brother give you a real smile, what you think is one of the first you’ve ever seen on his face, if not the only one. You’re glad he came to your room, glad he doesn’t think less of you for what you’ve done for the last several months. What makes you happier, though, is that you finally weaned yourself off alcohol.

You smile back at him, and then he scratches the back of his head and asks if he can give you a hug.

“Striders don’t just give out hugs, Lalonde, so you better fucking accept it. They’re rarer than diamonds, California 49ers would be all up in my grill, coming back from death and our universe’s destruction, and be all ‘Dave come on, fuck this I didn’t defy the laws of paradox space to not get a hug’ and I’d be all, ‘Sorry dude I just passed my hug quota for the month and I gave it to my ectosister but she passed it up, her loss man’ and they’d be bristling under their moustaches a—”

You interrupt him by rolling your eyes and hugging him yourself.

“I get it Dave; I suppose angering non-existent gold miners is unwise.”

His arms are wrapped around yours, and it feels...different somehow.

“Wow, Rose,” he says, his voice muffled by his mouth being covered by your shoulder, “you’re really soft.”

“What?”

He releases his hold on you and pats your stomach. You can feel it jiggle. You’ve forgotten that alcohol isn’t calorie-free.

“Oh,” you eloquently say.

“You’re still hot though. Curves that just won’t quit. I mean, fuck.” He starts blushing. “But not in the incesty way, I mean, like, I swear I don’t want to have sex with you stop it with your mind games Lalonde.”

You wiggle your eyebrows out of habit and he absconds, with a ‘Catch you later sis’. You smile a little, before you remember what just happened. Sitting on your bed, you start feeling the folds of your stomach, and you quietly accept that yes, you have gained weight. And not just a little. You wonder how you haven’t noticed it before. Your clothes aren’t tight, but it may be that god tier clothes magically adapt to the form of the wearer. Hmmmm. But you should have felt the way your thighs rubbed at each other. You chalk it up to being as drunk as a bat that fell in a vat of fermented grapes.

You know there’s nothing wrong with being chubby, even being a bit fat. Still, you feel upset. It’s a bit absurd, seeing as you’re eventually going head-to-head with a demonic Time Lord, but it seems a lifetime ahead, and, well, you’re still human and tend to focus on what’s at hand.

You sigh, before you realize that Kanaya’s in your room, having opened and entered the door while you were having an internal monologue.

Kanaya. Your girlfriend. The one you started dating the same time you started drinking. You realize that you’ve only spent a few days as her partner sober, and you thank whatever gods there be for Kanaya’s love and patience. Your sweet, beautiful, wonderful, darling Kanaya.

“Is something wrong, Rose?”

You look up and give her a smile, slowly shaking your head.

“I’m merely sitting here in awe, wondering why I was blessed with someone much too good for me.”

She scrunches her nose and, god you love it when she does that. Your girlfriend walks over to you and lightly spanks your cheek. You take note of how the side of your face feels, for want of a better word, squishy. It dampens your mood somewhat.

“You know that’s not true. I would supply evidence against your statement, but I’m much too tired.” She yawns, then slips into bed. “Now shut up Rose human, and cuddle with me. And I want you to be the big spoon this time.”

You relent, and lie down next to her. For an undead creature, she gets quite a lot of sleep.

You put your arms around her and try to sleep, but, despite yourself you, lie awake, becoming increasingly self-conscious. Kanaya is tall and slender and just really fucking beautiful. Underneath her clothes are long limbs and a wonderfully toned body, and, overall, it makes you feel inadequate. Really, really inadequate.

You sigh, and you find out that Kanaya’s still awake, because she shifts in your arms.

“Rose,” she asks, “are you sure you’re okay?”

You cuddle closer to her and put your face on the crook of her neck.

“Kanaya,” you mumble, “...am I fat?”

Never, you think, have you felt so insecure.

Your girlfriend turns so that you’re hugging each other. Her eyes are still closed.

“You have gained weight, admittedly, but I believe that you will always look extremely attractive Rose.”

Kanaya says the last part like it’s a gospel truth, but it barely makes you feel any better.

“I think I would feel better being several pounds lighter,” you whisper.

“As long as you don’t do anything to harm yourself, I’ll support you every step of the way.”

You don’t deserve her.

“I love you.”

 ///

“Kanaya,” Rose says, after several minutes of the two of you cuddling after waking up in what constitutes as a morning on the meteor, “would you mind making me a corset?”

“I actually have several patterns made out while I was thinking of you.”

She raises an eyebrow. “Why?”

You glow a little bit. “Have you ever heard of the term ‘breathplay’?”

“If I didn’t know you read those trashy vampire novels, Maryam, I would be appalled.”

She laughs, and it’s a wondrous sound. You let the ‘trashy’ comment slide.

“I think,” she says after a while, “I’ll try dieting. The problem is, I don’t think I have enough will power to start off controlling my portions, and I don’t know how to cook.”

You light up. Not literally, shut up.

“I believe I can help you with that,” you say.

Rose sits up to look down at you. “Cook? Human food?”

“I’ve been learning your culture while you were, er, inebriated. I’ve read some cookbooks and seen several cooking shows, so yes Rose Lalonde I know how to cook thank you very much.”

“I’m not questioning your talent Kanaya...okay maybe a little,” she adds after you give her a look.

“But don’t you have other projects you’d rather do?”

You scoff at the last bit.  “The lab has been drier of activities than my desert had been of water.”

Rose gives you a smile. “Thank you Kanaya.” Suddenly, she asks, “Would you mind if I ask that you not accompany me today?”

You sit up. “You’re not going to do anything dangerous are you? No eldritch horrorterrors of anykind?”

“No, no,” she says, looking away. “I’ll be doing a bit of...introspection.”

You lean closer to her and take her head in your hand and kiss her gently. “I love you.”

Standing up, you tell her, “I suppose I’ll start cooking now.”

“That would be greatly appreciated Kanaya. Thank you.”

You close the door, just as you hear her say, “I love you too.”

/ / /

You’re in the kitchen with Dave, who is your honorary taste tester. He doesn’t know why your cooking—you’re not sure if Rose would like you to tell him or not—but he’s willing to try out whatever you produce. As long as it looks edible, in his words. Karkat would have been his co-tester, but you’re not sure if trolls and humans have the same palate.

You’re pretty sure you have this down. You’ve watched all the episodes of Masterchef US, and read up on some of the dishes the contestants produced. You would have watched the original one, from Australia if you recall correctly, but their accents were barely distinguishable. No offense to the Australians of course.

So here you’ve managed to alchemize ingredients for _Apple-Raisin Stuffed Pork Loin with Natural Pan Jus_. You’ve followed the instructions step-by-step and, according to Dave, it smells fucking delicious. It certainly smells exotic, you think. You can’t remember having smelled anything resembling this back in Alternia.

You open the oven again, checking to see if the pork loin is 155 oF. It is, so you let it rest on the cutting board while you go prepare the broth.  You find the wine bottle, the salt and pepper, and...you’re sure you alchemized the raisins. And you’re quite sure you brought it here with you.

“Are you really sure you want to use wine Kanaya?” Dave asks.

“I’ve had some misgivings, but I’m quite sure it’s not enough for her to get drunk, Dave.” Goddammit where are those raisins.

“Dave,” you say, looking up from the counter, “have you seen the...”

That bastard.

You see him nonchalantly eating from the near-empty raisin pack. You put your hand to your face.

“Dave, please go alchemize more raisins.”

“The nearest alchimeter’s on the other side of the meteor,” he whines. “Anyway Kanaya, you have to know that no normal human teenager eats raisins. Like the only guys who eat those are old dudes and people with low bowel movement.”

“Wait, so you have difficulty shitting?” you ask, pointedly looking at the pack in his hands.

He follows your gaze then sighs, exiting the door looking defeated. “Fine.”

You shake your head, then wait for the ten minutes where you get the pork loin and cut it into several slices. It’s here when Dave finally arrives with the raisins. He hands it to you and, thank god, you can finally make the broth.

“If it gets cold and unedible it’s your fault,” you tell him as you pour the broth over the dish.

“Fuck,” he replies and you look at him, finding a slice of the pork loin in his mouth. “It’s like an orgasm in my mouth. God.”  He grabs another slice before you’re able to take the tray away from him.

“Dave, this dish is intended for higher purposes than consummating with your tongue.”

“What if I ask you to marry me?”

“Still a no, Dave.”

“Aw Kanaya, don’t blow me off,” he says, reaching for the tray which you’re holding just out of his reach.

“I’ll cook a whole dish, just for you,” you compromise.

“When?” he asks. “I hang out with TZ, Maryam. I know that you don’t just leave deals open-ended. Serious shit goes down. So we got the five wives and the one hubby right? Who—you’re going to cook it for me; What—a fucking delicious dish that’s what; Where—right here in the kitchen not the bathroom or the ablution trap or whatever you call it; When—within three days ok, three days; why—out of the kindness of your heart or something I don’t really care about this one; how—the best you can, no shitting around. That’s my deal Kanaya, we have to shake hands on this.”

You shrug, honestly you zoned off somewhere near the beginning. You may be notorious for rambling, but you have just as much right as anyone else to tune out words, ok?

You notice that his hand is out and you shake it, just to satisfy him.

“I’ll cook—” you grab a random recipe “— _Venison Tenderloin with Red Wine Reduction on Creamed Brussels Sprouts_ for you six hours from now, or what substitutes as dinner time on this rock. Satisfied?”

“Venison’s deer right? I’m shivering with antici...”

He pauses, and you assume it’s a reference to some human pop icon. You raise your eyebrows at him.

“...pation. Really Kanaya, didn’t Rose make you watch the Rocky Horror Show?”

You grin. “I recall her putting it on, but we always get...distracted, before we even reach the middle.”

“Goddammit Maryam, go already. I hope you sleep like hell, knowing that you just tainted an innocent mind.” Dave places his hand to his forehead, resembling a woman from the Victorian era of earth.

You make your way to the exit, but not before you say, “We’ll make sure to invite you next time.”

“Goddammit Maryam.”


	2. Chapter 2

You’ve stripped down to your underwear, looking at your near-bare body in front of the mirror. You don’t like what you see. To put it simply, you’re wide and pudgy, and you jiggle when you walk, and you just...really...hate it. You never knew you would be so conscious of your appearance. You glance at the corset Kanaya made for you and it’s simply beautiful—as if you expected less—but you know that the contraption pinches and constricts, and you start having second thoughts.

Still...if it helps you look better...

You put it on and it doesn’t feel as bad as you expected it to...or maybe it’s because the laces aren’t tied up yet. You try to lace it yourself, and you realize that you have no idea where to even start. You take off the corset and throw it to the ground in frustration.

“Rose, I come with food.”

It’s Kanaya.

You brush back your hair and quickly put on your god tier clothes. Opening the door, you smell somethingthat literally makes your mouth water.

“God, that smells amazing.”

“I would like to warn you,” Kanaya says, as she comes in and sets the tray on the desk next to your bed, “that this is actually my first time cooking, and that what I had said previously was merely to appear much more confident than I truly was. Dave, however said that it was quote unquote like an orgasm in his mouth. I would rather not imagine how he knows what an orgasm tastes like.”

“I presume that he meant it as a figure of speech. I hope so, at least.”

You really cannot wait any longer. You take a slice and—

Oh god.

Oh my god.

“Rose,” you hear through the haze induced by the savory ambrosia you’re currently consuming, “you’re making sexual sounds.”

She sounds like she’s trying not to laugh.

“You haven’t tasted this yet have you?”

She shakes her head.

“My digestive juices have stopped flowing along with my blood. The last time I ate something it was...unpleasant, to say the least.”

You feel sorry for her but, then again, that means more for you. You don’t mean to be so selfish but it’s Kanaya’s fault for making it taste so good, oh my god. Before you know it, you finish the whole plate.

You forget that this was diet food. You’re not sure if that was a serving for one, but it seemed quite large, and you know that pork isn’t very light in calories.

You look up and catch Kanaya staring at you weirdly. She sees you and, it may be the light playing tricks on your eyes, but she seems to be glowing a little bit.

“Kanaya, how many servings is this?”

“Eight to ten,” she says, suspiciously hurried. “But I have no idea of the meaning of a serving in this context.”

Shit.

“Kanaya, that means that I just ate a dish made for 8-10 people.” Unless... “How much did Dave get?”

“Two slices, at most.”

“Oh god.” This isn’t turning at all like you planned. You rub your temples.

“Rose,” Kanaya says. You feel her moving closer to you and draping her arm across your shoulders. “I don’t understand why being this...size, affects you like this.”

You look up at her, and she seems confused and concerned at the same time. She looks adorable, but you feel bad knowing that you’re making her worry about you. You look down at your feet.

“I...I’m not sure Kanaya. I suppose it’s because of Western society, which continuously said that fat was ugly, unattractive, unhealthy... Obesity was prevalent in America, but anorexia was just as deadly and still it wasn’t uncommon for its effects to be praised. Any average person just over the currently desired weight, regardless of health, was told that he looked unpleasant. Then again, I was never particular of any social norms, but it may have been impounded on me that gaining weight was a result of a lack of discipline, or a lack of willpower, or in general just laziness...”

“Rose, you’re rambling.” You look back at her and she kisses you on the cheek. “It’s okay.”

“I just..,” you start saying, but you have no idea what to say.

“Do you really want to lose weight?” she asks.

Do you?

“I...I’m not sure Kanaya. Even if the idea comes from a society that no longer exists, I still feel...ugly.”

“Rose, I would ravish you so hard, I would like to let that known. Karkat says that he doesn’t care, as long as it doesn’t give you an advantage in your quote unquote psychoanalyzing bullshit, and I may have overheard Dave appreciating your figure.”

She gives you a smirk, and you think, do you really want to become thin?

 “I think I’ll still try. Losing weight that is.”

“I understand,” she nods.

You sigh. Maybe you’ll learn to love yourself. You hope so.

“Would you mind sleeping with me for a while?”

“I’d be crazy if I said no.”

///

You hope you’re not violating her privacy. You just can’t help yourself.

Currently, Rose is asleep, and your hand is underneath her robes and over her belly.

She’s so _soft._

And warm.

And moldable, oh god. It amuses you, when you apply pressure on her stomach. Her skin gives way to your finger, as if it’s trying to form its shape. You want to see if you could bring the upper and lower halves of her belly together, to form a crevice that resembled a mouth. You saw Dave doing that one time, when he thought he was alone. It seemed as if he was using it as a puppet of some sort. However, you’re afraid that it might wake Rose up.

You sigh. Rose looks so beautiful awake, and sleep adds a layer of peacefulness to her that she almost looks ethereal. You wonder how she can even think of being unattractive. Human society, you think, is quite stupid.

You stare at the curve of her cheeks, the slope of her nose, the fullness of her lips; you watch the way her chest rises with every breath, you hear the slow beating of her heart, you feel her legs tangled with yours. God. Oh god. If you were alive, you’re positive you would stop breathing, just by looking at her right now.

You recall her eating the pork loin. You don’t know why—it may be the way her tongue took in the pieces of meat, it may have been how she sucked her fingers afterwards oh god you’re glowing—but it made you feel...restless.

You want to touch her badly. So fucking badly. You want to feel every curve, every rise and drop, you want to navigate your hand across the expanse of her pale skin.

“Kanaya...are you...rubbing me...?” you hear her say sleepily.

You finally notice your hand making circles across her belly. You make it stop.

“I’m sorry Rose, oh my god,” you say, embarrassed. “I didn’t notice my hand doing that.”

“No, no, don’t stop...it feels good.”

Oh.

“Uh, is this okay?” you say as you resume rubbing her belly, similar to how you would with a meowbeast back in Alternia.

“Sweep me off with your magic fingers, Ms Maryam,” she whispers.

You smile.

Suddenly, there’s a knock on your door.

“Ignore it,” you say.

“Kanaya, I know you’re in there,” a muffled voice calls out. “My venison. You promised.”

You can practically see the pout at the end. Ugh people ruining moments. Seriously, fuck that guy. But...you are a woman of your word. With a sigh, you leave Rose.

“I have to leave you to make dinner, Rose.”

She sits up, blinking the sleep out of her eyes. “Let me come with you.”

You nod, and you open the door. You’re glad she’s coming with you.

“Thank god,” Dave says, then he finally sees you’re bedhead and Rose’s furrowed eyebrows. “Oh, uh, did I interrup—”

You put a finger on his lips and comb the fingers of your other hand through your hair.

“I have the urge to smack you Dave, but I _did_ promise to make you the dish.” You sigh. “Just, shhhhhhhh.”

He nods his head and you remove your finger.

You lead the way to the nearest alchimeter.

///

Wow.

Kanaya’s just...terrific. Right now, she has a dish in the oven, several pans on the stove, a pot boiling, but nothing seems to be burning. In fact, you can smell the scent of each and every part of the dish being cooked, and it’s causing your stomach to start rumbling, even though you’ve just eaten for eight to ten people. That’s a bad thing, actually. But Kanaya seems to be enjoying everything. You can see a hint of a smile when she’s going from station to station, and you’ve only seen that when she’s sewing something she’s particularly proud of.

“You’re simply amazing Kanaya.”

“Thank you Rose. It’s a lot like sewing, I’ve realized. There are times when you have to follow instructions, but giving it a personal flair brings out the best in the project. I’m positive you could do just as well if you tried,” she grins at you.

You shake your head. “I highly doubt that.”

“She almost burnt down her house trying to toast a slice of bread. Like boom, fucking fireball.”

Ugh, you forgot Dave was here.

“I know you don’t cook either Dave. All take-outs from fast food restaurants. And Bro stocks up your refrigerator with shitty swords, if I recall correctly.”

“At least I know how to cook instant noodles.”

“And you’re assuming I don’t? All you do is pour in hot water!”

“Your toaster was on fire.”

“Rose, Dave,” Kanaya says firmly, “I may have to ask that you bring this familial bickering outside the kitchen.  You’re upsetting the venison.”

What.

“I thought  that this was only true for soufflés..?”

“Shhhhhh.”

You pout and sit next to Dave.

“Pssssst, Rose,” Dave whispers.

“Yes Dave,” you sigh.

“Make me some AJ, please.”

“After embarrassing me in front of Kanaya, Dave? The scales of justice would dangerously tip to one side; the goddess Nemesis would smite me as well as you for making that happen.”

“Rooooose, come on. I’ll make it up to you, I swear. It’s been _months_. I’m having AJ withdrawal. My gums are starting to bleed, I probably have arthritis, if I don’t have a bottle now it might be too late.”

“If I’m not mistaken, these sound like the symptoms of scurvy,” you say, bemused.

“Apples, oranges, what’s the difference Rose? I am going to _die._ ”

“You’re god tier, dear brother. I’m sure dying from withdrawal is neither heroic nor just.”

“Sis pleeeeeaaaaaaaaaaseeee,” he whines out.

You roll your eyes. “Okay, I concede. But remember that you’ll owe me.”

“Sure,” he says, and follows you as you go to your alchemizing station.

“Kanaya,” you call out, “Dave convinced me to alchemize apple juice for him. I won’t take long.”

“Okay.”

///

You’re going back to the kitchen, Dave following you as happy as a clam. You wouldn’t be surprised if you turned to look at him and caught him making out with the AJ bottle.  You shake your head.

Soon you find yourself looking at Kanaya waiting for you. You notice that there are two dishes set by the chairs beside her. One is a plate of venison, immaculate in image, and you can only imagine how it tastes. The other dish seems to look like a bowl of lettuce leaves, but as you approach it you can see several vegetables—sliced, diced, chopped—inside it. It dulls in comparison to the other dish. You know that the venison is for Dave, while the salad bowl is for you. You feel tears coming to your eyes.

“Shit, yes!” You feel Dave rushing to his seat. You try not to drag your feet as you go to yours.

You eat the salad. It tastes good, but it doesn’t keep you from staring longingly at the dish Dave’s currently wolfing down.

“Rose, you don’t like vegetables?”

You realize that Kanaya came over to sit beside you. You try to put on a small smile.

“They’re great Kanaya! Certainly the best I’ve ever tasted.”

“But...”

“But?”

She raises an eyebrow.

“Uh...I...okay.” You hang your head. You notice that Dave isn’t noticing anything but the venison.

“I’m trying to suppress the urge to grab the plate out of Dave’s hands and eat it all. I know that it’ll prolong the way to my goal, but god Kanaya you just cook so well.”

“I could cook you another one. Really Rose, you don’t have to make yourself suffer through this.”

You sigh. “I don’t know Kanaya, I think I may be trying to prove something to myself.”

You hear a scraping sound, and both of you look to Dave, who seems to be finished eating. There’s still a little more than half the venison left.

“I’m fucking stuffed. That was great Kan, thanks. You too Sis, thanks for the AJ, I owe you one.” He waves goodbye and hurries out.

God that venison. Such a waste. It’d be a shame if nobody ate it...

“Rose, you’re done eating. Do you want to go back to your room now?”

“Oh, go ahead. I’ll clean up.”

“Do you want me to help?”

“No, it’s okay. You’ve been cooking intensively, you deserve to rest.”

“I admit that I _am_ quite tired.  Thank you Rose.”

You nod, and when she turns her back on you, you stare at her as she walks out the room. And then you stare at the leftover venison.

Should you eat it? It still smells delicious. But you _shouldn’t_. Gah. It might be better if you actually clean up. You leave the venison, and go to the kitchen counter. Oh. It seems that Kanaya has washed every pot and pan, and just set it aside to dry. It’s not long before you put away everything. There’s nothing to distract you from the plate that’s still left on the table.

You shouldn’t eat it. You really shouldn’t. But bluh it looks so good, god. Okay, just one bi—no fuck this fuck this.

You sit down on a chair and focus. Closing your eyes, you visualize Kanaya.

At times Kanaya gets bored with her work clothes—the red skirt, long sleeves, and shirt that she usually wears—and puts on clothes she made while whiling away the three years you have to spend on the meteor. Today she wore a body-hugging blouse and skinny jeans; it left little to the imagination.

You think of her swanlike neck, her toned arms, her small waist, her lean legs...Kanaya barely has any fat on her body.

You sigh. That’s what you want to look like.

But then the venison...

You can’t take it. You promise to just take one bite.

Opening your eyes, you cut a piece of the venison, and—

Oh my god. It tastes even better than the pork loin. You take bite after bite, feeling the texture of the meat against your tongue, tasting the acidity of the sauce, the creaminess of the sprouts, the earthiness of the actual venison, oh god.

Eventually you realize that you’ve eaten the whole thing. Defeat weighs on your head as much as the dish weighs on your stomach.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello people i am sorry for disappearing for a while this is the final chapter xoxo

The world is wrapped in a chilling mist, and from the sky falls soft, white drops that melt when they touch your skin. A voice in your head calls the white ‘snow’. Jutting from mounds of snow come trees which of the likes you have never seen on Alternia. Each branch is composed of a million green needles, each as sharp as your own fangs. And yet these, and everything else, coupled with the muffled silence, brings upon you peace.

You walk through the endless white, trusting your instincts to bring you to where you’re supposed to be.

You walk farther and farther, and the snow gets deeper and deeper; soon you’re knee-deep in it. What appears to be a blizzard starts to form, and everything is wiped out. It feels as if you’ve been taken to the time before Creation itself.

Moments turn into minutes into hours into an eternity, and still you find yourself walking. You don’t know when you’re going to stop. Eventually the blizzard thins out, and you find yourself mere inches from a sudden drop. For some reason or another, your feet don’t stop walking.

Shit.

The snow breaks your fall, but now you’ve realized how fucking cold it is. The only logical option is to find a way back up, maybe search for shelter, or at least a decent place to start a fire. But there’s that incessant tugging that insists that you have a _destination_. You mentally give a sigh and continue to walk. The ground slopes downward and becomes a steep decline as you continue, and you just hope that you aren’t being lead to your doom.

It’s not long before you see the start of a forest.  At its edge is a copse of trees forming the shape of a sickle and—you’re not quite sure if it it’s real or just your eyes playing tricks on you—there appears to be a ray of light aimed just in front of the center of the curve. You don’t need mystic intervention to tell you that that’s where you’ll end up going.

The distance between you and the copse decreases, and gradually you start to see an object lying on the ground, right under that spot of light. Something in you makes you walk slower, and finally you stop, just when you see that the object’s Rose. She’s unconscious, and you rush to her side to see if she’s breathing. As you approach her, you see her chest rising and falling. At the same time you realize something that you’d punch yourself in the face for for not noticing sooner.

She’s stark naked. Like, full-blown, no-clothes-on, bare-as-a-human-coming-out-of-its-lusus naked. You swear if anybody saw you now they’d be blinded by the glow you’re emitting. You stare at her, not knowing what to do. Suddenly, her eyes flutter open—her long lashes always make you feel breathless oh god—and your locked onto each other. That is, until she gives you _that smirk_. If you were a puddle on the ground now, you wouldn’t be surprised. You think it’s an invitation, so you kneel and place a trembling hand on the expanse of her stomach. You look to her for a sign of approval and she nods and, _oh god_. Oh god.

She doesn’t know how long you’ve wanted to do this. To have her like _this_ , bare and open to you, to be able to explore every part of her, to begin to memorize her every curve and line. The most skin that you’ve been able to touch was when you rubbed her belly. That’s pretty much it. You feel so overwhelmed right now, but you’d just _die_ if you puked all over her. And you can’t back out now.

Her eyes are closed, like she’s waiting for you. You don’t know what else to do, so you put one leg over to the other side so that you’re directly over her, and you slowly lower yourself until you’re on top of her. You feel her supple belly adjusting to fit your figure, and, while you’re taller than her, she’s quite wider than you, and there’s just so much of her that you start feeling all of the phrase ‘hot and bothered’.

A breathy voice whispers. “It took you long enough.”

If your head wasn’t buried in the crook of her neck you’re sure you would have seen her smirk.

You start sucking on her neck and, as a rainbowdrinker, you know exactly where she’s the most sensitive. You hear a moan moments after. You smile, and move to put a hand on her breast. She’s been blessed by puberty, as it’s a lot larger than your own. You’ve noticed, at the times you’ve been staring at her when she was fully clothed, but it’s a lot different from actual contact. Much, much different.

“Your clothes are still on,” she breathes.

“Take them off, then,” you say. You start nibbling on the folds of her neck.

Her hand is on your back, and you feel her nails digging into it. Something tugs on your blouse. Rose drags her hand down your torso and you feel the scratches it’s leaving behind. Fuck, that feels good. _Fuck._

She digs in deeper and your free hand clenches around a fistful of her stomach. She rips your blouse and you feel the cloth slip underneath you. Skin touches skin, but clearly this isn’t enough for the both of you. Hands fumble with the button on your jeans.

 _“God,”_ she growls, _“why did you have to wear skinny jeans.”_

Her arm wraps around your waist as she uses the other to pull your pants down. You aren’t helping. You’re too busy covering her mouth with yours. You sink your fangs into her lower lip, and she moans your name, but it doesn’t stop her from uncovering you. Little by little you are more exposed, and she shifts under you to place her hands on top of your thighs. You take a moment to breathe, and then continue kissing her. Your tongue slips into her mouth, and then you feel her raking the skin at the side of your legs with her nails. She drags them upwards until they reach the side of your breasts, and you—

You open your eyes, you feel your chest going up and down rapidly, and when your eyes adjust to the light you see Rose staring down at you, looking concerned.

“You were breathing heavily, and fidgeting in your sleep. You’re usually so peaceful; I was worried you were having nightmares.”

Fuck. Of course it was all a dream.

You laugh nervously.

//

“Hey TZ, you okay?”

You blink, and see Dave waving his hand in front of you.

Ever since you’ve got your sight back, your Seer of Mind powers have been on the fritz. Usually, you could see a little bit of the future if you focused, see what would happen after making different choices. Until now, you thought you indirectly traded them in for your real vision. Turns out they became more literal.

You grimace, trying to wipe the taste of Lalonde from your mouth.

“Did you ever make out with your sister, coolkid?”

“No! What the fuck?”

“Nothing.”

//

She’s laughing nervously, and you would have asked her why she was doing that, but then your stomach starts to rumble. What. The. Fuck.

“I just ate!!!”

You fall down on your bed, and it’s all you can do not to tear your hair out. Instead, you stare blankly at the ceiling.

“It’s no problem for me to make you another meal, Rose.”

There’s a pregnant silence while you look for words in a mind that’s filled with self-hatred.

“You don’t—you don’t get it Kanaya. You don’t get it. You with your perfect face and your perfect body and your perfect fucking everything.” You feel tears welling up. Great. You try wiping them away with your sleeves. “Look at me, blubbering. Over everything I’ve gone through, I cry over this. I’m pathetic.”

You wait for her to say something. Instead, you feel hands gripping the undersides of your arms, and you find yourself being dragged so that you could sit between her legs. You feel her arms wrap themselves around you, and her face settling in your hair. You sniff.

“Stop. Just, stop.”

She kisses you softly on your cheek and your breath catches.

“You are brilliant, and wonderful, and so, so beautiful. You’re intelligent and quirky, at times stubborn and idiotic, but you always rise above it and I fall in love with you all over again. You move me with your words, you confound me with your sarcasm, you make me smile with your wit, but it’s when we’re silent and just, just _existing_ , that I love the most. You look at me and you touch me, and you breathe me. That sounds stupid but it feels accurate okay? You make me feel more than who I thought I was and I…you make me feel so many things, good things, and it hurts when I see you hurting. It’d be foolish of me to tell you to stop hating yourself entirely, but just…hate yourself less. Or love yourself more.”

You take a breath.

“…I’m being stupid, aren’t I?”

“No, not at all. Okay, maybe a little bit.”

You would smile, but you just can’t…let go, can you?

“But what if we wanted be more… _intimate_ … Would you still…”

You see the room glow a bit brighter, and you hear Kanaya take a breath.

“I will probably regret this later but justnowIhadaneroticdreamaboutyouandIpreferwenottalkaboutit,” she says without pause.

“Oh, uh.” You don’t really know how to reply to this. But all your fears with regards to Kanaya have been appeased and, maybe, you’ll just start loving yourself.

“Could I sleep on you?”

“Oh, uh, okay. Let’s just, get into a more comfortable decision.

She lies down and you move to lie next to her. You settle your head on her arm.

“Thank you Kanaya. I love you.”

She gives you a kiss. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am sorry if this is an unsatisfactory chapter unu if you would like to constructively criticize me feel free to comment and i might try to better this part yes thank you for reading also


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